My backyard snow pool slowly transforming into a dangerous, lopsided mountain.

I have finally come to experience what my middle school language teacher would describe as an external conflict: Julia vs. Nature.  It was snonly a matter of time before the puns and the snow both got to be too much. I just got to a point where it went from being a peaceful winter wonderland, to an Inuit incubus. I even started to worry that the snow mountain accumulating in my fenced in backyard was going to avalanche through my window one night and silently asphyxiate me.

The following are four vignettes that spelled the end of my love affair with Snowpocalypse 2010.

VIGNETTE ONE: Negative Reinforcement

NEIGHBOR: (Steps outside as snow resumes) Oh, HELL nah. This snow had better stop; I got kids inside who’ve been out of school all week. D.C. Public Schools canceled — no shit, they’d better get these kids back in school. (Mumbles) Layin’ up in my house.

VIGNETTE TWO: The Turning Point

Jin's about to die... BUT WAIT, who's that shooting off ca--*cable dies*

On Tuesday, of course, I was watching Lost. I was worried that I might not make it through the episode because our cable and Internet had been intermittent all day. But in fact, I made it almost to the end. Notorious for cliffhanger endings, survivor Jin is about to get shot by the Others when an off-camera sniper takes out his assailant. Notice the screen freeze to your right. The cable cut off at the exact moment the shooter who saved Jin was to be revealed. As if that weren’t bad enough, all day Wednesday this was the only frame that appeared on our TV.  Still, just one day without cable? I guess I should shut up and count my digital blessings.

VIGNETTE THREE: Snow Excuse

During last weekend’s first frozen bowel movement, a coworker of mine organized a snowball fight to take place in Dupont Circle. It became a social media success story and an estimated 2,000 people showed up for the event. Unfortunately, this colleague also happens to be one of the most insufferable people I have ever met, so naturally the media attention surrounding the snow battle got to his head. Soon he was doing five minute interviews on the local news and taking cell phone calls from BBC America. I wouldn’t be surprised if he hired a publicist. Coworkers reportedly overheard him repeating rehearsed soundbites about how he was “just one man with a dream.”

Well, yesterday, self-described Martin Luther King Snowball Fight Jr. decided to throw another one, drunken from the popularity of his first Facebook feat. Nevermind the 40 m.p.h. winds and white-out conditions, he was going to make this happen. Except he was also going to make it happen at 2 p.m., when he should have had another hour and a half to work like the rest of us. Apparently not. He cruised out just after 1 p.m., proverbial snowballs in hand, with nary a peep from the editors.

Naturally, injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere, as the real MLK would say. So I protested, I griped, I asked why we couldn’t all just leave early to attend our playtime commitments. The editors weren’t happy with my attempted mutiny, but they also didn’t like that this twerp sort of left on his own accord. The head editor let us go about an hour later, perhaps cognizant of how unfair it was for us to even be there. (Doubtful.)

VIGNETTE FOUR: The Abominable Runners

All week, news Web sites have featured an amazing selection of pictures showcasing the so-called snowpocalypse (a.k.a. snowmageddon). However, a disturbing trend I noticed is the number of runners being photographed. I knew there was a running culture in D.C.; I just didn’t know how relentless these people were about running in all conditions. I just started running outside last month, a meager two miles to the fish market and back, and I’m absolutely enraged by these freaks.

Don’t they know how obnoxious it is when I’m walking home from work on the abandoned, slushy streets to then pass me with their moisture-wicking neon nylon shirts and flushed and fit physiques? Don’t they know you’re supposed to stay home and eat chocolate chip cookies and cream-based chowders to make it through until there are actual sidewalks to run on? Who are these alien sprinters and why are they all over the Washington Post as examples of what people do during blizzards?

I partially blame Michelle Obama for this. Her war on fatties (to eradicate the obese) has made everyone in Washington too body conscious.

Now it’s scrambled eggs time.

Click here to check out some cell phone pictures I took while hiking around the Capitol last Saturday.